sharing

This morning on my way to work I was thinking about sharing...a friend told me once a long time ago about how hard it was for him to share his wife when their first child was born. And i thought about how hard it was to share my first baby when he was born.   I always wanted a baby because i wanted someone to love me completely, without bias or expectations.

This concept of sharing time, love, thoughts with someone intrigues me.  I wonder if it was difficult for Royce to share me.  did he realize that i was more involved, in love, in awe of my baby?  did he feel completely closed out or was he so busy trying to make it possible for me to stay home with my baby to notice my preoccupation?  was this a part of my unhappiness?  what he noticed or did not notice?  Does he see this inside me?  This struggle to love - be loved - not feel judged?  

I am still struggling back with these feelings nearly 20 years later?  working through how i share my attention, love, devotion to our children and our relationship.

I was thinking about people getting divorced and then getting remarried. are they looking for someone they don't have to share? Do they struggle to find a balance between who they share with whom?  Children from one marriage and children from the next, or separate families becoming one but only part time.  

and what about having an affair?  the nature of an affair is sharing, but i wonder if we fool ourselves into thinking that by having this secret life, we don't really have to share.  The secrets we hold to ourselves, making that act/person more special...  is that part of the devastation of being found out, not just the injured party finding out they are unintentionally sharing but also that world where you thought you didn't have to share collapsing and you are faced with the destructive nature of the act.   that you were really sharing on a greater level than anticipated.

When i was pregnant the second time i couldn't imagine loving anyone more than my first.  then I learned how love grows rather than shrinks.  But i was sharing myself with more and more people.  sometimes i long to no longer share or be shared.  to be myself with one other who loves and to love them.  or to just be with myself within myself not worrying about anyone else's needs wants desires.  to go back to being with just one.  can i do that though...and what does that mean?  Does our world grow until a certain point where it then shrinks again?  in the end, i guess we end up with just ourselves. 

what happens to those people who can't face themselves?

Another Day

I was going to title this missing mom but it's not time for that yet.  I am wishing I had pictures of mom though...I took one last summer of mom on the couch but it was when my camera was still wet and you can't see her at all.  then i was thinking of just looking at and choosing a random picture and posting it but that didn't feel how i feel either.

so we have no idea what tomorrow will bring.  I can't figure out what i should be doing or not doing.  I don't have tickets yet but i do not want to drive.  I have a room but i suspect that i will be at the cabin.  I need to either buy books or check a bunch out of the library.  I need to prepare myself and one of the kids for what I do not know...and I wonder why no one has called me.  why do I always wait for the call?

I just want to take pictures that are different from the 50 I already have.  I want to be able to walk in the morning.   I want a little peace to prepare for the next year.  

So lets look at the pictures...

These are both morning shots.  One between the trees on the way to the marina.  It was just a little hazy.  I liked how the trees were reflected off the water.

This one is from the rocks at a park between Eagle Harbor and Copper Harbor (I can't spell the name of it).  I didn't realize what the sun looked like until I downloaded them.  It was a peaceful morning.  We had more hope for the coming year or maybe it was just so cool to be able to see each other twice in the space of a month.  That visit was so fleeting.  But then they all are and yet they feel complete.  Maybe this year at the end of the visit I will feel like there is hope.

I do wish I could tell what code determines the size...

Odds n Ends

I can't figure out how to place these things.

So tonight I'm going to experiment again.  

Colleen Shopping

So here are the crazy shopping pictures with Colleen.  I'm not sure what started it all but we were "trying on" dresses and striking poses.  Looking at the shots, all I can think about is how beautiful and funny she is.  Let me know what you think.  Some of her expressions reminded me of Amanda Bynes in "what a girl wants"...  The last shot of the shoes was just because I can't believe someone would pay $50 for such UGLY shoes...I mean, LOOK at them, they have a skull and crosss bones on them...even in Aruba I wouldn't put them near my feet!

Into the cave...

Yes there are caves on Aruba.  The one we visited this year was created as the island was pushed up out of the sea and was once coral.  There are cave paintings too!  There were two rooms with light (holes in the ceiling) and two that were dark...the furthest room was full of fruit bats and smelled!!!!  It was cool to go through them all.  Wish we could have visited the others, there are at least 3 different caves.

Windows

Windows from the gold smelting plant on Aruba