sharing

This morning on my way to work I was thinking about sharing...a friend told me once a long time ago about how hard it was for him to share his wife when their first child was born. And i thought about how hard it was to share my first baby when he was born.   I always wanted a baby because i wanted someone to love me completely, without bias or expectations.

This concept of sharing time, love, thoughts with someone intrigues me.  I wonder if it was difficult for Royce to share me.  did he realize that i was more involved, in love, in awe of my baby?  did he feel completely closed out or was he so busy trying to make it possible for me to stay home with my baby to notice my preoccupation?  was this a part of my unhappiness?  what he noticed or did not notice?  Does he see this inside me?  This struggle to love - be loved - not feel judged?  

I am still struggling back with these feelings nearly 20 years later?  working through how i share my attention, love, devotion to our children and our relationship.

I was thinking about people getting divorced and then getting remarried. are they looking for someone they don't have to share? Do they struggle to find a balance between who they share with whom?  Children from one marriage and children from the next, or separate families becoming one but only part time.  

and what about having an affair?  the nature of an affair is sharing, but i wonder if we fool ourselves into thinking that by having this secret life, we don't really have to share.  The secrets we hold to ourselves, making that act/person more special...  is that part of the devastation of being found out, not just the injured party finding out they are unintentionally sharing but also that world where you thought you didn't have to share collapsing and you are faced with the destructive nature of the act.   that you were really sharing on a greater level than anticipated.

When i was pregnant the second time i couldn't imagine loving anyone more than my first.  then I learned how love grows rather than shrinks.  But i was sharing myself with more and more people.  sometimes i long to no longer share or be shared.  to be myself with one other who loves and to love them.  or to just be with myself within myself not worrying about anyone else's needs wants desires.  to go back to being with just one.  can i do that though...and what does that mean?  Does our world grow until a certain point where it then shrinks again?  in the end, i guess we end up with just ourselves. 

what happens to those people who can't face themselves?