Friday Evening

Amazing what a difference like 15 hours makes...

No trip to the post office.  Different tears this time.  

Being there for my dad was one of the most difficult things I've done.  Not the waiting, that was calm and just long.  But being the one given the outcome - not for the faint hearted.  I guess if everything was fine it's not such a big deal.  But to learn that there is unforeseen scar tissue perhaps blocking the colon and that the cancer may have returned.  Not fun at all.  To be alone in a strange town where I want to remain as inconspicuous as possible and to stand in the parking lot with tears streaming down my face....no not fun at all.  To know that you don't have time to cry, to pull oneself together to go in and wait for them to tell my dad what went on.  To know that I have to remember what they said because he won't...

I love my dad.  I'm not ready to be alone without them.  

We had a conversation about the will while he was recovering.  I wonder if he believes me, that I really don't care about the money.  That he could leave it to the ASPCA if he so desired.  I want them to be able to live as they would like for as long as they like.  I'd like the division to be equal but how can 30 years of taking advantage of the situation be fair.  It was interesting to think he's a little worried about it for an entirely different reason although it is a true one.  It's hard to want fast decisions when they are so difficult to make.  

No one called Anna...I will have to try to call her tomorrow.  It's not fair that she not know.