it has been a peaceful week. Mom is better than I feared but still so very fragile. She reminds me of Dessie the last year before her stroke. I worry she is trying hard for me but try to be optimistic for dad. While I admit I should be pushing for decisions and helping more (both are difficult because neither parent seems to want to discuss such things...)
Any way, I am also trying to prepare myself for an unexpected visit to the post office. I can't decide if this is a good idea or a disaster. I wish a friend was here to help (M/D/M/anyone). I'm also working on a plan to avoid it completely, after all, Thea would enjoy such a visit much more than me. I have a suspicion that dad perhaps is planning this to verify that I have no desire to go there. To be sure no improper behavior has occurred. I am sick to my stomach about just the idea of seeing j. While I'd like to go in as though absolutely nothing ever happened between us, like I'm seeing an old friend who means nothing...I don't know if it is possible. It bothers me that I will not see their true reaction, they are so much better than I am at hiding feelings/not feeling than I am. I do not want to appear as anything other than disinterested, just in because my dad requested it. I realize I am making a big deal out of nothing but I do wish my hair looked just a little nicer and that I could not care even for this part. I don't think my rents understand that I truly have no desire to EVER see/talk/hear about this person again. I realize this is problematic but hope that the years of waiting and once that other connection is made that I won't care. I'm hoping for protection from c as well.
Why is this so difficult for me? Why does it even matter? I wish t was here to help. To do it. I don't want to cry this trip. I want j to wish things had turned out differently. I want the disappointment to be on that end rather than this. Is that so bad? I don't want to feel the pain that i know is just around the corner, waiting to ambush me yet again. I was doing so well.
Why can't I be all kinds of beautiful? Why can't I fake indifference? Why was I so stupid? Why do I feel the need to be indifferent?
I keep thinking that maybe I am ready. That I can pretend that I feel nothing. That wanting to feel nothing has worked. The feeling in my stomach tells me otherwise. I will be nervous and most likely do something stupid.
maybe they took today off...I don't want to cry anymore and it's too late for that....yesterday on the mountain I wanted to call and say goodbye to them. I had an entire conversation in my head that reminded me that they said goodbye in the most hurtful manner possible. by ignoring me. why do i even want to get close to that again? i want them to hurt, not me. i want them to regret it all forever as i do.
time to walk down to get dad....
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