thoughts

I have the urge to send a random text.  To see if it gets answered.  To learn if the wall of silence extends that far.  To find out if we can truly be friends.  

I'm not sure why I don't send it.  It's a simple enough thing.  Maybe because I don't want to be the first one to send one.  Maybe because I want to be right and be able to claim that you didn't keep in touch.  Maybe because I want to stay free from that addiction.  

A part of me longs to know how the new fan club is growing, but I don't want to be a part of it.  I wanted to believe I was special, it hurts to know that was all an illusion.

Part of me wants to shout a warning to an old friend.  But I'm pretty sure they won't listen.  I worry that your magic will sear her as well, but hope to be wrong.  I worry about the scars you leave behind.  I worry about the day you walk away from that strange addiction she holds for you...I worry that you are toying with her much as you toy with everyone.  I'd like to be wrong but your need to be wanted that way is as large as your ego.  

In some ways I feel like being petty and thanking you for taking over the role I used to fill.  What will they do when you tire of it?  I won't go back to it.  

Oh well, I wonder how the weekend will go.  How awkward will it be?  Will anyone notice?  I hope I can keep my feelings from showing.

I fear this curiosity will get the best of me and I will give into temptation.  It's like going by a wreck and slowing down to gawk.  I don't know why, but I just want to know.  

I can't decide what I miss, which I miss more.  Do I even really miss any of it?  Part of me doesn't care, part of me wants to strangle them both.  Perhaps it was the abruptness of the entire thing.  

 

Rollover Beethoven

So tonight I'm wondering why I do what I do to myself.  Why am I taking tap?  Why do I go to this class where no one talks to me?  Will I ever be able to do these steps without looking like an idiot?

Next week is dress rehearsal and then Saturday night we perform.  I love the dance and I usually remember it but it takes so much concentration and when I let my mind wander I mess up.  Tonight we did it facing away from the mirrors...I'm so used to watching the others and myself out of the corner of my eye that it was strange not to be able to do it.  And the steps sound different when I'm in the other corner.  How does my mind wander?  Where does it go?  I try to think of who I want to take pictures (do I even know anyone to take pictures - and do I really want pictures of this debacle?).  Then I mess up, forget a step or turn right rather than left; which makes me feel even more stupid.  I am so envious of the girls that have been tapping for years--will I ever sound like they do?  Will I ever be able to shuffle, flap, shuffle, smack and all those steps?  I remind myself that the audience doesn't know I'm messing up - yeah, that lady is supposed to bump into that person...ok, it's not that bad.   I  know it takes a lot of courage to get up in front of all those people (even if I don't know any of them) and dance.  And I love to dance.  Ah, well, tap is not the kind of dance I'm used to, but it is fun.  It's so cool to make those sounds and when we all tap together it's amazing.  At least this year it doesn't take as much concentration although tonight when we were doing flap heel shuffle heel flap my shuffles were not what I'd like...

Next year they are talking about having a ballet class.  Now that would be interesting.  It has been SO long since I did any ballet (if you don't count plies in my bedroom).  But I know they will have tap again (different teacher - can I take not having anyone at all to talk to?  At least now the teacher talks to me some...)  If they have both classes at night I will have to weigh the options it is difficult to do one night each week and I like tap but I used to LOVE ballet.  I guess I just need to wait and see.

Back to worrying about the recital.  It's exciting and nauseating at the same time.  Why am I doing it?  To prove to myself that I can?  In hopes of someone thinking it is cool that I'm doing it?  Why do I care what anyone else thinks about me or my dancing?  I just want to do it.  Why does it make me sad sometimes too?  Because I'm not as good as I'd like to be?  Because my movements are not as fluid as I'd like?  Because I'm so stiff and unnatural?  For all the things I can't do?  Why can't I just focus on what I can do, which is enjoy the movement for what it is.

Dance.  Dance.  Dance.

I wish I knew of someone who could come and take pictures and then help me post them.

 

Lucky? Soul? Todd?

Sometimes I think we are too relaxed about too many things...

we have a new member in the family (again).  Tim was walking to a friend's house and heard a noise in a bush.  He investigated and found a tiny kitten.  She/he fits in the palm of our hands; she/he is all black.  I think she/he is about 5 weeks old.  We need to post found signs around the area although if he found him where I think he did, there really aren't any houses very close and the kitten is too small to have walked very far.  Tim brought him home for Sarah but is having a difficult time giving him to her.  Sarah thinks he is a she which is why we haven't named it yet.  

I REALLY need to figure out how to post pictures.  He is so cute!  I have pictures in my phone -anyone know how to send them from there to here?

Hello/Goodbye

I say hello and you say goodbye

without anyone to tell

without a reason to believe

without a time to talk

without a hand to hold

how can I explain

how can I let go

how can I believe

how can I forgive

it was a little thing

it was a big thing

it was a short thing

it was a fun thing

it is over

it never began

it was a whisper in the night

it was a mistake

now I have cried

now I have laughed

now I will move on

now I will forget

if no one but you and I know, will I ever know the truth

was there a point?  did you hurt me on purpose?

was timing really the issue?  will I ever believe again?

it was fun while it lasted and I didn't want it to end.

I knew it would end but I hoped for just a little more 

I wish you had been a little more gentle with my feelings

I know, I know, your game, your rules, you never cared

if this is true, what was that in your voice?

at least this time 

I got to say goodbye and walk away with my head up

your secret is safe 

I won't muddy the waters with my point of view

it is hard to be invisible

it is hard to be unseen

it is hard to let go

the universes will never collide

which is good because I could never fit in

I have no idea how I feel about it at all

it is so strange to be hugged and feel nothing at all

5/5/08

Goodbye

You have my heart tied up in knots

and each time I break free

you pull me back in

but not this time

This game of catch and release

has come to an end

I should rejoice in the freedom 

Refuse to look back

but I don't

I sit waiting for the next turn

knowing it may not come

not sure if I want it to

You are perfectly aware 

of each step that you take

But don't claim your innocence

Is harmless to all

Words are not actions but cut just as deep

Intentions and timing let you slip away unseen

I wanted to believe it was a game I could handle

I was willing to believe most turns on the board

Loosing balance and perspective

I reach for the door

It is hard to look back 

and know you left first

5/9/08

If I could

If I could walk with you

I would take you to the top of a mountain

show you a world apart from the rest

a place where no one cares we are friends

If I could fly with you

I would take you to foreign shores

wade in salt waters, build sand castles

dance until dawn

If I could stay with you

we would talk until morning

discover the truth in our dreams

no longer afraid of the future

If I could go with you

I would live in your world and you in mine

And the bubbles of our moments would blend

Singing a new song of our lives

This is a light to use when darkness falls again

To offer hope friendship and a hand to hold when all else is gone

We only have moments in a world where things are different

This is to remember that we are out there somewhere 

Waiting for the right time a better time

Our paths will cross, the line vanish and the change will be worth it

Late night questions

I don't know why I am still up.  I just got off work and I have to get up at 6 to go to work tomorrow.  I feel tired but not necessarily ready to sleep.  I think I need to take something so I sleep although I don't want to sleep through my alarm, I'm supposed to take Britt home in the morning which means I need to leave a little early.

That is a strange relationship...I hope it works itself out in a positive manner.  I worry about both of them.  They seem to thrive on hurting one another.  Who modeled that for my child, I wonder?

So do I wake Sarah and get her upstairs or let her sleep on the couch?  I wonder who else is here tonight.  

My house the hotel.

If I Could

So, i was going to paste something here and it keeps putting it below the box.  Something else to figure out I suppose.  maybe I'm not meant to publish those words yet.  I was working on a gift to a friend.  I may have to write it on paper and then copy it here.  Or write a new one.

Time to head for work.  

Peanut AKA Maggie

Saturday, Sarah found a small cat who seemed to need a home.  She asked around and no one seemed to know where she belonged.  Because she has wanted and wanted a pet of her own, Sarah brought her home and started to bond with her.  She created a safe haven for the kitten, named her and started loving her.  Peanut is a pleasant kitten, seemed content to stay in Sarah's room, seemed a little lost in her new surroundings.  Sarah fell in love with her.

Tonight, a friend brought over an email her mother had gotten about a missing kitten.  Maggie and Peanut are one and the same.  Maggie has a home and family that was missing her.  Sarah called the number from the email and Maggie's mother came to find her.  Maggie's family is very happy to have her home.  Sarah is very sad to be without her own pet once more.  If I can figure out how to do it, I will post one of Tim's pictures of Maggie...

Good news is that Sarah has shown us a new level of maturity, responsibility and growth.  My baby is growing up to be a remarkable person.  

Finally

I never thought this would be such an ordeal...all I wanted was a spot to vent and figure out what was going on in my head and it has taken so long to get to this point.  At least this time, I might have more to say.

So why am I so upset about things that I have no ability to change?

Why are some friendships more fragile than we think they are?  Why do I feel like I should apologize when I didn't do anything?  Yes, I was naive and believed things I shouldn't have believed but what business is this to anyone else?  Why does it bother me that she won't talk to me?  Should I even continue to try to talk to her?  I think not.  I find it amazing that all the time we spent together and all our conversations mean and meant nothing to her.  But I guess that is the way it is.  So I need to go on and not let it bother me anymore.   It would be easier if life wasn't bringing us into close contact constantly.  I guess if I can make it through the relay with minimal discomfort then I will have moved on.

So what happened?  I let someone get close to me in a less than appropriate manner.  I never believed the flirting, never wanted it to go beyond that silly level.  This person needed help, so I found someone to work with them.  Helped her get the job, listened to her worry about her ability to do the job, encouraged her to try it.  This all worked out for the people involved.  

While I knew the relationship wasn't healthy for me, I let it go on.  Never really wanted anything to come of it, but it stroked my own need to feel liked.  

I'm not sure what happened to me when he decided to leave, but I sort of freaked.  Didn't help to have this girl friend be superior about her friendship with him.  Yes. I was abrupt with distancing myself from the situation.   I tried to not let it get to me, but it did.  Once it was all over, I was better but the damage was done.  So I tried to tell her why I was upset but I guess she didn't want to hear, listen, or care.  I guess I am better off without either of them.  I don't need people who treat my feelings with such callousness.   Now I just have to find a way to work with her when I must and leave the rest.  

so here is my strange beginning.  I hope to have better thoughts next time...

why

why do i start these things when i have no time...?