Next week is dress rehearsal and then Saturday night we perform. I love the dance and I usually remember it but it takes so much concentration and when I let my mind wander I mess up. Tonight we did it facing away from the mirrors...I'm so used to watching the others and myself out of the corner of my eye that it was strange not to be able to do it. And the steps sound different when I'm in the other corner. How does my mind wander? Where does it go? I try to think of who I want to take pictures (do I even know anyone to take pictures - and do I really want pictures of this debacle?). Then I mess up, forget a step or turn right rather than left; which makes me feel even more stupid. I am so envious of the girls that have been tapping for years--will I ever sound like they do? Will I ever be able to shuffle, flap, shuffle, smack and all those steps? I remind myself that the audience doesn't know I'm messing up - yeah, that lady is supposed to bump into that person...ok, it's not that bad. I know it takes a lot of courage to get up in front of all those people (even if I don't know any of them) and dance. And I love to dance. Ah, well, tap is not the kind of dance I'm used to, but it is fun. It's so cool to make those sounds and when we all tap together it's amazing. At least this year it doesn't take as much concentration although tonight when we were doing flap heel shuffle heel flap my shuffles were not what I'd like...
Next year they are talking about having a ballet class. Now that would be interesting. It has been SO long since I did any ballet (if you don't count plies in my bedroom). But I know they will have tap again (different teacher - can I take not having anyone at all to talk to? At least now the teacher talks to me some...) If they have both classes at night I will have to weigh the options it is difficult to do one night each week and I like tap but I used to LOVE ballet. I guess I just need to wait and see.
Back to worrying about the recital. It's exciting and nauseating at the same time. Why am I doing it? To prove to myself that I can? In hopes of someone thinking it is cool that I'm doing it? Why do I care what anyone else thinks about me or my dancing? I just want to do it. Why does it make me sad sometimes too? Because I'm not as good as I'd like to be? Because my movements are not as fluid as I'd like? Because I'm so stiff and unnatural? For all the things I can't do? Why can't I just focus on what I can do, which is enjoy the movement for what it is.
Dance. Dance. Dance.
I wish I knew of someone who could come and take pictures and then help me post them.
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