Finally

I never thought this would be such an ordeal...all I wanted was a spot to vent and figure out what was going on in my head and it has taken so long to get to this point.  At least this time, I might have more to say.

So why am I so upset about things that I have no ability to change?

Why are some friendships more fragile than we think they are?  Why do I feel like I should apologize when I didn't do anything?  Yes, I was naive and believed things I shouldn't have believed but what business is this to anyone else?  Why does it bother me that she won't talk to me?  Should I even continue to try to talk to her?  I think not.  I find it amazing that all the time we spent together and all our conversations mean and meant nothing to her.  But I guess that is the way it is.  So I need to go on and not let it bother me anymore.   It would be easier if life wasn't bringing us into close contact constantly.  I guess if I can make it through the relay with minimal discomfort then I will have moved on.

So what happened?  I let someone get close to me in a less than appropriate manner.  I never believed the flirting, never wanted it to go beyond that silly level.  This person needed help, so I found someone to work with them.  Helped her get the job, listened to her worry about her ability to do the job, encouraged her to try it.  This all worked out for the people involved.  

While I knew the relationship wasn't healthy for me, I let it go on.  Never really wanted anything to come of it, but it stroked my own need to feel liked.  

I'm not sure what happened to me when he decided to leave, but I sort of freaked.  Didn't help to have this girl friend be superior about her friendship with him.  Yes. I was abrupt with distancing myself from the situation.   I tried to not let it get to me, but it did.  Once it was all over, I was better but the damage was done.  So I tried to tell her why I was upset but I guess she didn't want to hear, listen, or care.  I guess I am better off without either of them.  I don't need people who treat my feelings with such callousness.   Now I just have to find a way to work with her when I must and leave the rest.  

so here is my strange beginning.  I hope to have better thoughts next time...