Almost Christmas

Time to try to put pictures back on my blog...I got some pics when in DC last weekend. Wish I was there today because more family is in town and I only have a little time there again this weekend.

Here's Sarah & Kaylie!




Here I am with Steve!



Here's Grandma Thea and Mikey...Isn't he CUTE???

Wrapping Gifts for a Cause

So yesterday sarah and i went up to the local outlet mall to wrap gifts to raise money for ACS - Relay for Life. We had 4 people stop in (one i dragged in from the bench outside our door) in the 3+ hours we were there...BUT the people that came in were incredibly generous....so now if Sarah can get $5 more dollars she will qualify for a t-shirt...and I still have to do my own fundraising but it is a little easier for me. well, i can drop into branches and see if i can get people to give me $5 a shot. that worked for me last year...

Today needs to be spent getting my own holiday decorating and presents on their way...

It was a nice experience although i had hopes for more people both wrapping and coming in to wrap.

Off to work on Christmas for us now.

Another Saturday Night

So tonight I'm meeting Moe for drinks and possibly dancing...not sure what all. But it will fun to hang out with her. We keep talking about getting together but it never seems to work out. Makes we wonder if I should have stayed up so late last night...

So the undercurrent of drama just keeps on flowing by. I wonder if I should try to find out more about it.

Last night was fun. I love hanging out with Marie and Rachel...gosh, I wish i knew where my camera charger was...in fact, i'm not even sure where the camera is...I have to find it before Christmas....we HAVE to have new pictures at Christmas.


Hope everyone's Thanksgiving was great!!!!

I wish I could help

Why is it that the thoughts one has at 1 AM disappear when the morning comes? I had a poem to write last night but now i can't find it.

I wish i could convince you that most of what you feel is normal. That you can't continue to blame everything on what you aren't. That life is just hard most of the time. Yes, I know it looks like it is easy for so many others but EVERYONE, i repeat EVERYONE has their own issues and lives in their own hell. it is what you do with it that matters.

I wish i could get you outside of yourself. Get you to see that you can make different choices and that we all miss someone. There are times when we all want to run away and be someone else. I tried to tell you. I don't know if you heard me.

I wish i could help you find a way to be yourself and stop worrying about what others think. It is hard when the one you want doesn't want you or can't be with you for WHATEVER reason. But you have to keep going.

You can't threaten to harm yourself every time you get found out. Sometimes change is good. Sometimes it is better to be the one to say good bye and to walk away. We alll have secrets...no one will ever know all the thoughts in your head (you won't even know them all).

I love you. Be kind to yourself and those around you.

Thanksgiving already?

Where did the fall go? I can't believe it's almost December. I haven't started shopping for Christmas yet but for the first time in years I am sort of looking forward to it all. In the meantime though...I've quit Kohl's and started my part time stuff at the bank. I am looking forward to seeing what my paycheck will look like this week too. Doesn't help that i have a HUGE bill from my car and getting Tim new clothes...

So i need to find the cord to my camera to load all my pictures again...to fix my computer Royce had to wipe the hard drive and we lost everything...and my camera need charging so i have no idea where i'm going to find them.

Nothing else is new...

Did you miss me?

Why is it that when Royce's computer is down he spends hours and hours and hours on my computer until he gets his back up and running but then when MY computer goes down he lets it sit for TWO months???? He has worked on it sporadically and is pretty sure we need a new operating system but has he gone and gotten it? NO. He even told me he was going to do it last weekend but that didn't happen. I was at work both days (and a party one night) so i wasn't around to ask him about it but really, what kind of birthday gift was it to only last 4 months? AND it was probably his programs that caused the problems in the first place. I love how he blames Tim when the computer is down and Tim blames him...

I don't care what went wrong and who did what, I just want my computer back. I miss playing with pictures and writing something on a semi regular basis.

So today is Veterans Day. Hug one for me because I LOVE this random day off. I got to go to the doctor without worrying about the time and i can go to the dentist without leaving early (and worrying about time). I am doing sheets (don't ask how long it has been TOO embarassing) and I hope to have lunch with a friend in a minute. I also need to buy sheets because Sarah's was ripped and we don't have any other double bed sheets in the house.

So Saturday is my last day at Kohl's. I will try to talk more about that once I'm really done. 5 1/2 years of part time labot...more fun than not but it had it's ups and downs.

Time to run and bring the dog in. And run to have lunch with Moe.

Later maybe...i want to make Lasagne so I need to get food.

Random thoughts

i've been thinking about how boring happiness can be and how misery and unrequited love and broken hearts seem to give us so much more to write about. Think about music and songs, there are so many more songs about breaking up, or wishing someone would like them or getting even for being jilted than the happy we're engaged and getting married and living happily ever after songs. When I'm hurting or sad or wishing things were different I seem to have so much more to say. The words seem to flow in a more fluid way.

People have been asking me about Sven. In many ways, Sven is not a real person, he's more of a composite of many. He can be anyone I need him to be. Sometimes I do have a specific person in mind when I write a poem but other times I don't. I put older poems up that were written before I came up with the idea of Sven as well. I worry that someone will take Sven too seriously, which would be a mistake. Sven is a friend that I love dearly. Sven is my husband. Sven is the boy that got away, the one I wish I had taken more seriously. Sven is the one who broke my heart and the one who mended it. I miss him, I see him all the time, I have never met him. I bought a card one time that had a picture of someone coming around a corner...I don't remember exactly what it said other than it had to do with hoping that one day I would come around the corner and run into the person the card is for. That would be Sven. In my mind he is perfect, I know that isn't possible.

And now before I pick up the Twilight Series again and read all night...I am heading for bed.

Bike Race in the rain

Let me start this by saying that I am not a racer and know very little about bicycle racing and this was the first time I've been to this race. If you are looking for pictures of the race and the bikers, you will need to go to another site. Yesterday, the hurricane came to town during my jobs biggest community event of the year.


This is from the end of the second race on Sunday. The sun was out and the smaller race (critirium?) was fast furious and fun. I was stuck in a tent handing out cloth shopping bags and selling cycling jerseys. it was fun. Afterwards we walked around town checking out the art fair.


Here I am in my offical marshal shirt with Colleen. I dragged Colleen, Tim, Ryan, Angie, and Marissa out of bed to come help me. Turned out that Ryan was the best help of all. He LOVED stopping traffic while the riders went by.

Here's Ryan in his official poncho waiting to run out into the rain!

This picture is before the riders were back in town. We sat on a wall and cheered all the cyclesportif riders up the hill to the finish line.

Tim and Marissa wandering all the tents before we went down to our posts. It was just starting to rain.

This is my good friend Dawn and her son. Originally we were supposed to be on the same corner but last minute changes sent us up the hill to another corner. I was REALLY glad I had the kids with me.

Ocean City NJ

Two weeks before the end of the summer. Tim and I had Sunday off so we decided to go to the shore. Marissa was here so she came along for the ride. Tim had control of the camera so don't blame me!


can you tell how cramped the car was? that is Sarah in the corner

Colleen and Tim on the beach


How does Colleen manage to look so cute while making funny faces?

First Day

Today is Sarah's first day of middle school. Last night it hit me that she is getting so grown up. Where did my baby go? She is very self sufficient and capable. A great kid. I spent at least an hour crying. I'm so proud of her and yet I'm scared for her too. She's on the edge of becoming a teenage and all that. One consolation is that Colleen has begun being nice to her again. Tim too but that might just be because Marissa seems to be nice to her. I wish I had a baby picture and pictures leading up to today but since i've only had the camera for a year....those of you with babies now are lucky because you have an easier way to document your baby growing up. She wanted me to walk her to the bus. We stopped just at the top of the hill because while she said she didn't care if anyone saw, i told her we could stop there and no one would know. I love her so!

Aruba 2007

This is a great spot! The rocks are huge and fun to climb around. Check out the view of the island too!



Here is Colleen relaxing in the sun.














Tim and Colleen ducking up between to rocks to get to the top.












Sarah found a fun place to hide!


Wouldn't this be a cool card?


Tim and Colleen checking out the view.

We should have worn shoes....

Exploring ruins at the Quincy steam hoist site.

No time for a real tour so we did windows and more windows













And then there were these other shapes...

Mt Baldy

This is not the top of the mountain....see the peak in the distance? We still had to go down and then up an even steeper climb. It's a 2 hour climb. I wasn't sure we'd make it.


Yes, we did make it. Here we are resting.


We're on the top of the world!

A lonely flower

Can you see the ore boat?

Colleen looking over the edge...notice what her shirt says!

For most of the hike (both up and down) Colleen lead the way. I forgot to take pictures on the way up so these are on the way down.

Here she is waiting for me to catch up!

Most of the walk looked like this, nice path, nice trees, fabulous sun on our shoulders...making it hot!

It was a great day, even if it was exhausting. So far I've done the climb each year. I hope to make it a tradition. I just have to stay in shape.

Friday Evening

Amazing what a difference like 15 hours makes...

No trip to the post office.  Different tears this time.  

Being there for my dad was one of the most difficult things I've done.  Not the waiting, that was calm and just long.  But being the one given the outcome - not for the faint hearted.  I guess if everything was fine it's not such a big deal.  But to learn that there is unforeseen scar tissue perhaps blocking the colon and that the cancer may have returned.  Not fun at all.  To be alone in a strange town where I want to remain as inconspicuous as possible and to stand in the parking lot with tears streaming down my face....no not fun at all.  To know that you don't have time to cry, to pull oneself together to go in and wait for them to tell my dad what went on.  To know that I have to remember what they said because he won't...

I love my dad.  I'm not ready to be alone without them.  

We had a conversation about the will while he was recovering.  I wonder if he believes me, that I really don't care about the money.  That he could leave it to the ASPCA if he so desired.  I want them to be able to live as they would like for as long as they like.  I'd like the division to be equal but how can 30 years of taking advantage of the situation be fair.  It was interesting to think he's a little worried about it for an entirely different reason although it is a true one.  It's hard to want fast decisions when they are so difficult to make.  

No one called Anna...I will have to try to call her tomorrow.  It's not fair that she not know.  

Friday Morning

I stayed up too late watching Olympics and finishing my book (twilight) and now I'm supposed to be walking before taking dad to town for a colonoscopy...that will make for an exciting morning.

it has been a peaceful week.  Mom is better than I feared but still so very fragile.  She reminds me of Dessie the last year before her stroke.  I worry she is trying hard for me but try to be optimistic for dad.  While I admit I should be pushing for decisions and helping more (both are difficult because neither parent seems to want to discuss such things...)

Any way, I am also trying to prepare myself for an unexpected visit to the post office.  I can't decide if this is a good idea or a disaster.  I wish a friend was here to help (M/D/M/anyone). I'm also working on a plan to avoid it completely, after all, Thea would enjoy such a visit much more than me.  I have a suspicion that dad perhaps is planning this to verify that I have no desire to go there.  To be sure no improper behavior has occurred.  I am sick to my stomach about just the idea of seeing j.  While I'd like to go in as though absolutely nothing ever happened between us, like I'm seeing an old friend who means nothing...I don't know if it is possible.  It bothers me that I will not see their true reaction, they are so much better than I am at hiding feelings/not feeling than I am.  I do not want to appear as anything other than disinterested, just in because my dad requested it.  I realize I am making a big deal out of nothing but I do wish my hair looked just a little nicer and that I could not care even for this part.  I don't think my rents understand that I truly have no desire to EVER see/talk/hear about this person again.  I realize this is problematic but hope that the years of waiting and once that other connection is made that I won't care.  I'm hoping for protection from c as well.

Why is this so difficult for me?  Why does it even matter?  I wish t was here to help.  To do it.  I don't want to cry this trip.  I want j to wish things had turned out differently.  I want the disappointment to be on that end rather than this.  Is that so bad?  I don't want to feel the pain that i know is just around the corner, waiting to ambush me yet again.  I was doing so well.  

Why can't I be all kinds of beautiful?  Why can't I fake indifference?  Why was I so stupid?  Why do I feel the need to be indifferent?  

I keep thinking that maybe I am ready.  That I can pretend that I feel nothing.  That wanting to feel nothing has worked. The feeling in my stomach tells me otherwise.  I will be nervous and most likely do something stupid.  

maybe they took today off...I don't want to cry anymore and it's too late for that....yesterday on the mountain I wanted to call and say goodbye to them.  I had an entire conversation in my head that reminded me that they said goodbye in the most hurtful manner possible.  by ignoring me.  why do i even want to get close to that again?  i want them to hurt, not me.  i want them to regret it all forever as i do.  

time to walk down to get dad....

Sunrise

The Parents